they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
