Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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