i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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