I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
