Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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