Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You need a sexual gate keeper
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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