Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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