Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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