i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
