You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
