The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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