so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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