I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize