It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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