Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
