Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
