My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
