On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
