Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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