Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
