I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
