you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
