well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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