A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
wow bdsm is so cute
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
