OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i now understand why vodka
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
