...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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