My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
