I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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