Apparently you make a good broom.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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