I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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