I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
