Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
