his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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