I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
