he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize