Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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