She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's the barista slut.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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