He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize