I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
