Dude my mom stole all your condoms
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize