your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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