I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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