Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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