How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize