Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
