there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
