Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
