I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
is that a dick in a sweater?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
