that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
