i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
