When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sober January is a disaster.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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