I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
