Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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