dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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