i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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