it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize