Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I am morally bankrupt
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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