He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
