You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
