I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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