i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I want a musical about memes.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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