WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Someone shit on the floor
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize