I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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