I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My vagina is officially offended.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We are all done wearing pants today
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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