Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
